(BL) Taming the Field Guide

Chapter 192: Casper’s very exciting conversation part 2

Casper and Theodore were sitting on the couch, quiet, the tea on the coffee table in front of them. They were at least facing each other, Theodore’s arm on the back of the couch, his hand against the side of his face as he stared at Casper.

Casper had fully angled his body, his knees pulled up onto the couch, his arms around said knees so that he wasn’t invading Theodore’s personal space with his legs. He wanted to do that, but that was rude. Casper wasn’t rude.

He was panicking.

He brought Theodore back into his home to talk, and now that they were here, Casper couldn’t find a way to start. He was sure that Theodore was in the same position, but neither of them knew how to start this. Cass sighed suddenly and Theodore grinned.

"It’s tough, isn’t it?" Theodore said softly and Casper found himself nodding.

"I mean, it’s why we haven’t really spoken about this before in the first place." Casper mumbled, his face warm. Theodore’s eyes were warm as they narrowed, his smile not fading as he nodded silently. Then his expression grew slightly serious.

"Cas, do you...want to forget this happened?" Theodore asked. Casper felt his whole body stiffen.

"What do you mean by that?" Casper asked, knowing how sharp his voice sounded. Theodore held himself still, swallowing.

"I mean, do you want us to never enter a romantic relationship and stay friends?" Theodore asked. Casper felt like the man had given him hope only to stab him in the chest.

"Is that what you want?" Casper asked, feeling like he was being shredded from the inside out. He wasn’t even sure how he was able to get the words out.

"No." Theodore’s response was calm but there was no way that Casper could think for a second he wasn’t serious. That had the shredding of his internal organs pause as Casper raised his gaze to Theodore’s eyes.

That was when he realised that he wasn’t looking at Theodore the man anymore, but Theodore the Esper. His eyes were the deep, dangerous blue of the ocean. He was staring into the abyss, and the abyss was staring back.

"Oh." Casper said lamely. "You...don’t?" Casper asked, his voice a little confused. "Why did you even say that if you don’t want to?" Casper could almost feel his emotions building, growing, the anger ready to take him over. Theodore’s smile was warm even if it didn’t meet his gaze.

"Because I want to give you options even if they would tear me apart. I nearly killed Rhys when he suggested that you wanted to leave the Guild before I left for the undercover mission. Thankfully, he beat some sense into me because I realised I would rather have some of you then lose you completely." Theodore sounded far more mature than Casper felt. In fact, he was being far more mature then Casper had been for the last few weeks.

Casper felt his face warm because even now he wasn’t sure he could do the same. He didn’t think he could sit back and watch Theodore be in a romantic relationship with anyone. It was different if it was for guidance, he could forgive anything there as long as it was communicated beforehand, but...romance?

"You could do that?" Casper whispered. "You could watch me get in a relationship with someone else?" Casper asked. He watched Theodore, really watched him and noticed how the other man’s body was shaking slightly. He was terrified of this conversation, or so emotional that he couldn’t contain it inside.

"I..." Theodore trailed off. "Well, I can’t say I would enjoy it, but I would do my best. If it meant that I could still have you in my life...I’d be willing to do anything." Theodore made it sound like it would be the hardest thing he could ever do. A man who had just come back from being tortured to protect his friends and family.

He said that watching Casper enter into a relationship with someone else would be harder. Casper bit his lip, his whole body shaking with the force of the emotions inside of him. This was it. He either said that was okay, or he put them both out of their misery. Both felt terrifying and big.

"I...couldn’t do it." Casper’s words were barely audible. His body shook as Theodore went still. Casper felt his eyes water. "I couldn’t do it if our positions were reversed. I could never watch you fall in love with someone else. Never." Casper’s lips shook. "I would rather die." Casper raised his eyes to Theodore’s and held his gaze. Theodore looked surprised and that hurt.

He had expected Casper to say that it was okay. That was what he was expecting, but what made this moment better, sweeter was the desperate hope that Casper could see inside. The hope that Theodore had that Casper wouldn’t push him away. Wouldn’t reject him.

"No. Don’t talk about death like that." Theodore whispered, hesitating for a moment before he took his free hand and moved towards Casper. Both of them watched his hand move towards Casper, their breaths held as each second passed until his hand landed on Casper’s knee. Theodore squeezed. "I would never let it happen." Theodore’s whisper filled Casper’s ear and Casper felt the first tear fall.

"I’m sorry I reacted violently." Casper apologised. "I’m so sorry, Theodore. I shouldn’t have done it. I shouldn’t have hurt you. I can barely forgive myself for it. In fact, I don’t know if I can. I’m also sorry that you thought it was a good thing. I was sick to my stomach for days after that." Casper told him. Theodore squeezed Casper’s knee tighter.

"I know." He said calmly.

"I’m sorry." Casper repeated. Theodore’s expression was soft, filled with emotions that made Casper cry harder.

"I know, Cas." Theodore didn’t pull Casper closer, didn’t offer comfort for a moment just so that Casper could cry it out.

When Casper was finally quieting down, the tears less frequent, his shoulder’s not heaving, Theodore cleared his throat.

"Cas, I was never angry at you. I know that you need me to hear and accept your apology but I was never mad. I know I’m still a little messed up inside. Hell, I didn’t really go to therapy all that much before I left, but even then, I’m probably not going to view what you did negatively. Can you forgive me for that?" Theodore asked and Casper raised his head, his eyes wide and filled with sorrow.

"Why would you need to apologise to me for that? That’s not from anything you could control. Of course I will forgive you. No questions asked." Casper told him and the smile he got in return made his stomach drop and his heart feel light.

"Thanks, Cas." Theodore told him. "So, what does that make us now? We aren’t dating anyone else, but are we dating each other?" He asked and Casper felt his chest tighten. His fingers were shaking again but it wasn’t from anxiety or fear.

It was excitement.

Casper felt his face warm, his cheeks turning bright pink.

"I-If you want to date, we can do that. I was just worried it might be too soon. You know, we both have to go to Kellen mandated therapy and such." Casper muttered and Theodore laughed. It was such a wonderful sound to hear. He hadn’t seen this man laugh like this in forever. It was more healing than anything else Casper had ever experienced.

"I think we wouldn’t have to go to therapy if I hadn’t been dragging my feet so long. Or if I had talked to Rhys or Karen about this ages ago. Or I hadn’t been so afraid that I would ruin you. I should be proposing to you at this point, but I don’t want to scare you away. I still have a lot to learn, and from what Rhys said, unlearn." Theodore admitted. He let out a shaky breath. "But, if you’ll have me, I would love to be your partner."

Casper’s body felt fuzzy. In a good way. He felt his lips puff out, his arms tighten around his knees.

"It feels a little silly to call each other boyfriends." Casper was intentionally ignoring the part that was making his heart race. Proposal? So soon? Theodore was able to see right through him though.

"What? Did you like the sound of fiancés better?" He asked, teasing, and Casper’s face went bright red. Theodore laughed. "I’ll take that as a yes." Theodore said, his grin so wide that Casper worried it hurt him.

"L-Lovers! We can call each other lovers!" Casper grasped at a straw, found it, and yanked at it with both hands. Theodore’s eyes were warm, the abyss smiling back at him and Casper’s body warmed.

"Lovers." Theodore said, moving the word about in his mouth. "Lovers. I like it." He said, and Casper felt something stir inside of him. The emotions he’d repressed for so long, every brick he’d put up to keep it all contained had been whittled away over time due to stress, fear and panic. It was bound to come crashing down, and Casper shouldn’t have been surprised that today was the day.

Casper unwound his arms from around his knees, staring at Theodore with his own glowing blue gaze. Theodore gulped.

"Cas?" He asked, careful, worried. Casper licked his lips and couldn’t help it as his gaze wandered. Casper slowly pulled his knees down, Theodore’s hand falling with his knee. Theodore stiffened.

"I don’t want to do anything crazy." Casper whispered. "Nothing crazy but can I just...feel you? Hold you?" Casper asked, something small and desperate inside of him not above begging. "Can I...kiss you again?" Casper asked with a small voice. "N-Nothing more than that."

"Cas, you’re drunk." Theodore protested, but Casper watched as colour touched his own cheeks and it did something dangerous inside of him to see that he was responding to his requests.

"Just kissing. You can leave if it gets dangerous." Casper whispered. Theodore groaned.

"I can see it in your eyes. It’s already dangerous. What if you don’t remember any of this tomorrow?" Theodore asked, hurt there, ready and waiting. Casper raised a hand, touching his chest, coming closer inch by inch until their breaths were mingling. Eyes close, noses brushing against each other. Only air keeping them apart.

"I already told you that I was going to remember tonight. You don’t believe me?" Casper asked and Theodore’s hands reached out for him, his hands shaking as they settled on his hips.

"Cas, I’m not as strong as you think I am." Theodore whispered and Casper felt himself smile.

"You are stronger then you give yourself credit for. Please? I just...I need to feel you, Theo." Casper watched as his willpower disappeared. He swore under his breath but the kiss wasn’t hard or harsh.

It was soft, loving, the gentle press of lips against lips. Theodore’s lips were a little chapped, but Casper wasn’t any better. It was flawed, a little rough, but perfect. Casper slid his hand up and around his back, holding onto the man. His man, and felt it as they both relaxed into the moment.

This was everything he needed. Everything they both needed. Casper didn’t want this moment to end.